If you love horrible books then Awful Library Books is the blog for you.
I keep a link to them in my live bookmark toolbar and I could not let this one go by without comment.
I don’t write romance, per se, but as an erotica author I do write mainly about sex. These suggested phrases for romance writers make me want to gag and hurl.
Suggestion: “he scanned her critically and beamed”.
What is the expected response to this? “Yay! I’m so glad I have your approval!” If a man I’m about to sleep with is looking at me “critically” then he can just keep on looking for the door and show himself out.
Suggestion: “his glance slid rapidly to her bathing suit and his mouth softened”.
Well, as long as something else has hardened, we might be in business here.
Suggestion: “his gaze dropped from her eyes to her shoulders to her breasts”.
“Hey asshole! My face is up here!”
Suggestions: “his gaze fell to the creamy expanse of her neck”.
“Expanse?” How big is this chick’s neck anyway?
Suggestion: “he looked at her and the double meaning of his gaze was very obvious”.
Huh? I don’t get this one. Some guy looks at me. It means “he’s looking at me”. What else could it mean? (I know, I’m too literal.)
Suggestion: “something intense flared through his entrancement”.
What the hell does that even mean?
Suggestion: “she had to fight her overwhelming need to be close to him”.
Why? If I want to get close to a guy I just do it. Then again, I’ve never been known for my subtlety.
Suggestion: “he was so disturbing to her in every way”.
This does not sound like a good thing.
Suggestion: “her curiosity, as well as her vanity, was aroused”.
“Ooh, you make me feel so vain!” WTF?
Suggestion: “he was as eager and erratic as a summer storm”.
Yeah, because that’s what every woman wants – an erratic man. One minute he’s there for you, they next, who knows? Um. No.
Suggestion: “there was an air of efficiency about him that fascinated her”.
Susie couldn’t wait to date the postal worker…
Suggestion: “she dreamed of being crushed within his embrace”.
Then she woke up screaming and had to drink three martinis to recover from the trauma of the nightmare.
Suggestion: “the smouldering flame she saw in his eyes startled her”.
So she doused him with water to put it out? I think I’d also be pretty damn startled if my man’s eyeballs caught fire!
Suggestion: “she was pleased with their initial intimacy”.
She was so pleased, she gave him a gold star.
Suggestion: “her feet seemed to be drifting along on a cloud”.
Then she scrambled like Wile E. Coyote and plummeted to her death.
Suggestion: “she was powerlsess to resist”.
Because he’d drugged her? Tied her up without consent? What kind of crap is this?
Also, what is all this “his gaze” stuff? Do women exist solely to be stared at by men in this person’s world? It creeps me out when my man stares at me. It took awhile, but he finally learned to be more subtle about it because I just couldn’t take it anymore. Maybe I’m just odd, but none of this appeals to me or makes me feel sexy or romantic in the least. What about you?